Thus it is awards time again. Will I win any? No, probably not. Hell, I've only been nominated for one thing. And it wasn't even for me this time. How typical. Just a scene nomination, nothing more. I feel like quitting. But now I won't because I brought in my new totally awesome RP partner into the game and we will have so much fun together. Yay us.

So, my mom? Total bitch. Dragging me out of the house to go "shopping" just so she can see me feel awkward and self-conscious. She'll do anything to see me suffer. Which is why I'm puzzled she won't let me get my jaw broken to fix my TMJ. Oh wait, not fixing it would result in further suffering in the long run. Thanks mom, love you too. She's so thoughtful!

Fuck that.

Awards time again. Did I win any this time? Haha. No.

I'm giving up on hoping anymore. I'll just have to live with the fact that I'm getting from this that I suck at RPing and I always will. I think I'll still stay on the roster for making the banners. Even though last time when I had to make them, not having my own to make was a huge slap in the face, making them for others was somewhat cathartic and soothing. I want to make one for myself but it would make me look not only selfish but banner-wanting. I don't care about the banner... I don't feel like I'm being noticed for my efforts... or appreciated.

Whatever.

Trying hard not to give 2-tenths of a shit.

In other news, got Josh's BRD to 32! Yay. I'm almost out of that hellish level range. Fuck 30-32. Jesus Chriminily. I also created Frappucino on the Asura server. Hoo-haa. She got Samurai last night :D and got it to lv.6. But after that, I had her start THF for farming for Ochikote, Rings and Hauby and all that. It'll be great~ Sort of.

Not sure though whether to level THF to 45 and then farm with it or just to 15 and use it as a sub. Not sure yet...

Zzz...

Posting from school. Yes. From school. I'm in summer school right now. Which really sucks. Very sucktastic. But I gotta take it to not be behind. I gotta take another class too. My adviser says to go ahead and register for it for Fall Semester with my other classes but also to be quiet about it. I'm not supposed to take it with classes that require it as a prerequisite. >_> I'm pondering whether or not to go ahead and do that or take it next summer semester. Which I'd really rather not do. T_T I probably should so I can be totally caught up. I think I will. Next Summer will be my big relaxation break.

I'm so tired. The big storm last night kept me up. I'm really hungry too. I just hate a kitkat bar but that's not gonna be enough to carry me through 3:oopm later today. I would love to just take a nap right now. I have an hour and a half or so. I think I might put my head down for a while.

I haven't updated in a while. I just haven't really had much to talk about I guess. I finally got to see my final semester grades yesterday. I was so happy. I got all B's. :D Yay. And today I gotta turn in my Volunteer Verification Forms to Cavanaugh Hall. Gotta remember to do that. Wondering if I should try walking over there. Think it would be good exercise for me. If it's not raining.

:<

About a lot of things, actually. One, my Creative Process teacher not being clear on where to drop off our final projects while she's out of town; two, not getting back my assignments for my Drawing Portfolio; and three people saying they bug EVERYBODY for sceneage in RP and making me feel like I'm not part of this EVERYBODY of which they speak.

Update because I never quite finished this journal entry and a day (or two?) has passed since... Awards on my main game were announced to me today. Sort of. I make the banners this month. So they sent me the voting results.

And, of course, as per usual, I didn't win any. I never win any... ever. At all. Not by myself. Over the past 4-5 months or so i won maybe... 5. And it was because I was attached to the other player. So I didn't win it. They did. I just happened to be the other person. I've never won any by myself. Ever. And I have a feeling I never will.

Little thing to be making a big deal over, right? Wrong. I don't care about having a little banner to place up somewhere. Not ever having won a contest for like... Best Character or Best Development makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Like I'm pretty sure every player in the game won an award just in this month's voting alone. Me? Nope. And these people won multiple awards too. I'm pretty sure I'll never win an award by myself as much as I want to. I'll always end up having to be attached to a player or character that will ensure it, because I guess my characters and my roleplaying really suck.

I feel like if there was some sort of likeability chart, I'd be at the dead bottom.

Because I suck.

I'm nothing.

i pee blood!

It's no joke. It's no lie. It's no VGcats comic spoof. God. help. me.

I hate my periods. My cramps get so bad. I feel like my uterus is trying to explode. My ovaries too. Like little tiny balloons that are being filled up full to bursting. Ow. When I'm on my period my body lets me know. One way or another. Either through stabbing pain in my nether-regions or disgusting mishaps. It's usually the former.

I had a dream last night where I met Aubrey Graham, the guy who plays Jimmy from Degrassi: The Next Generation. It felt really real. I was casual and not-fanatical, and he just kinda ignored me. It's usually always like that, celebrity or not. But whatever. It was just a dream. Not that it really affects me. But it does make me question why would I have a dream about Jimmy when before I went to bed I watched 2 Degrassi episodes about Craig and the death of his abusive father. I donno.

Thinking about a story idea and a final characterization of my character Ivan Kozlov, my most used character for RP. I want him to be a doll but I don't want him extravagantly OHEMGEE!ish. More like the observer or the go-between, deserving a lover protective and warm though not flawless. I don't know what I'm going to do. It's a risk, righting a book to publish about a gay man in search of the perfect husband. Or boyfriend. I guess I'm still in the character developing process. I have so many versions of Ivan I don't know which one to really settle upon. I think I might go with the one I have the most fun with and mellow him out a little bit. He's overly flamboyant and playful. Which is what makes him fun to play.

I haven't written in a while, I've noticed. But also for good reason. I've been so busy with college. Homework has been biting me in the butt and the rest of the time I'm sleeping. I've decided on my first major. Printmaking. We did a bit of Printmaking for Creative Processes and it's a lot of fun. I love the communal feel of the school I go to. Even though there's still the popular and unpopular. Pretty much everyone knows everyone else, even if not by name. I've made a few good friends here. Anne, Britney, Eric, Jennifer, Ashley, Amanda, Leslie to name a few. I just saw Leslie the other day. Monday I think. First time I saw her since last semester. She looked gorgeous. She died her hair from her previous gold-blond to reddish brown. Very pretty either way.

Everyone here at Herron is very fashion forward with the artsy teenage-college student look. At least the girls. I'm embarrassed, coming to school in a tee-shirt, sweatpants and boots. I wish I could wear the same clothes as them. But, whatever. Clothes aren't everything I guess.

I haven't been staying up all night like I used to. I'm less tired than I used to be in my early morning classes, which is nice. I was notorious for nearly falling asleep in my English class. In Drawing it's kind of impossible, since you have to stand the whole period. I'm always exhausted after that class. Whew.

noody noody noody

We did figure-gestural drawings today in Drawing class. It was a bit awkward at first but you got over it quickly. Some people got over it faster than others. I like it better than still-life, I'm better at figure-gestural drawings (model or no model).

I didn't get hissed at by a goose again today. At least not yet. Then again it's rare that you ever see geese at the Herron parking lot. Yesterday I was walking towards Lot 85 from my English class and it was raining so hard I couldn't see in front of me. Rain was getting into my eyes and my breath fogged up my glasses. I walked half the way with my eyes shut. On my way to pass the library, I heard a hissing sound--like that of a velociraptor from the Jurassic park movies, which makes sense because a goose hiss is what they used when they were developing the sounds--and I open my eyes to see this goose coming towards me--slowly, it wasn't running--but it was taking a stand and I backed off pretty quick. If I got any closer or stood my ground it probably would have attacked me. Of course, I don't blame the goose for anything. It was just being what it is: territorial and protective against a larger animal. If I was it I probably would have done the same thing. Of course, I hissed back.

I hope class goes by quickly today. I just want to go home and rest. My weekend has been the very opposite of relaxing.

I got hissed at by a goose today.

A fucking goose.

Also, cocks.

Rawrf, postin' from school. Not really much to say but, HAHAHAHA BLOG FROM SCHOOOOOOOOOL. School is almost fucking over with. Yayz. And I have a new account on Conceptart.org. Great. Fucking. Site.

Just got out of my drawing class... I feel sick in the netherregions. I'm not on my period, no. It's a sickly omggonnathrowthefuckup feeling. I was a roadmap of pain yesterday. My ankle was sore, my leg was ITCHING, (there's a fucking massive CUT on my foot from my goddamn cast) my ovary/kidney/side/whatever was HURTING, my neck was sore, I hurt my arm in my sleep (couldn't lift it up without it hurting around my rotator cuff) and my head hurt. Welcome to Miseryville. Population: me.

Today it's just my stomach. My intestines. Whatever the hell it is. I don't care, it fucking HURTS. I took Aleve yesterday. BOY DID THAT REALLY HELP ME. lolno

I haven't been on FFXI in days. There's not much I can do with all this craphappy schoolwork. That and the things I CAN do would take hours of dedication and commitment. Farming up Seeds for Mage's Ballad? Holy crap? 10 stacks for that motherfucker. And again for Mage's Ballad II. I gotta establish some form of gil-making for Josh... Or I'm going to go under really quick. The treesaplings on Maiyah won't fucking sell either. Goddamnit.

So leaving JG.com was probably the best thing I've ever done for myself. Huzzah, one less stress on my mind and conscience. Of course, my art forum is a different story. I wish people would stop looking and just join already.

Also, cocks.

xD

lol

Urgh...

This weekend is turning out awful. It needs to be better. WTF! It first started when I woke up this morning with bad stomach pain. When I woke up after I tried to go back to sleep I had the biggest headache. I didn't want to do anything. I still have my homework to work on. My mom went out and got my gray paper for drawing for me, yet she never ceases to prove to me just how retarded she is. I swear to god I can't wait to get my own place. I can't wait to get out of here and to either New York or Los Angeles. I don't care which.

I've decided to go into printmaking as a major instead of painting. I talked with my mom about it when she didn't appear to be lost to reality out of her ovaries and she said it would be better for me to go into printmaking first, which is a drawing-based major. It has more career options than painting does and I agree with that. I'm going into Printmaking first for career, as well as to work on my more immediate skill: drawing.

I joined Conceptart.org. It's a pretty great site, lot's of wonderful art to look at, critique and learn from. It makes me want to pick up my sketchbook and just draw.

I got Josh's BRD to lv.23. I need to start farming for Mage's Ballad. I'm not questing for that thing. It's 80k though. It will be a long time before I move on as BRD. I gotta figure out a way to make better money. Grain Seeds and Vegetable Seeds are just big pains in the asses to farm... Thinking about leveling THF to 15 for Treasure Hunter and Gil Finder. I'll probably end up leveling Josh's THF just for farming for gil. Which is going to suck. It was horrible the first time through. I can't imagine having to do it again. But if it has to be done, then it has to be done.

I only have 4 weeks of school left. Happy fucking day.

Also, cocks.